DAY 5

Today has just had disaster written all over it, so if we make it out from this day without anything completely terrible happening, I’ll be incredibly relieved. So far it has been one of those days where everything, everything has gone wrong. Many of the things have been little, neglible things that on a normal day would rate a “meh, oh well” reaction but today are all adding themselves up to produce one seriously irritating day.

DAY 4

I cannot believe it’s only been four days since we started this stage of the journey. I feel like we’ve been trapped in 8B for years already. Today started off pretty well but had a bit of a downward spiral in the afternoon, before plateauing and being okay again into the evening.

Apparently the Bean was up and on the go at 6:30, so had already had a bath when I arrived, bleary-eyed from a weird sleep. (You know when you wake up with a start, like, agh! it must be morning! and then you look at a clock and you’ve been asleep for all of ten minutes. Terrible) Daddy took himself off to work and Gavin and I went to the lounge, went back for a bath, had a play, and returned to the lounge for Gavin to have a reiki treatment from one of the lovely women who charitably provide free treatments for Beanie. (They are both generous, beautiful people who have helped me a lot too!)

DAY 3

We finished chemo today. Thankfully it is over and didn’t cause any adverse reactions just yet. Gavin was still feeling pretty spritely and was up early and ready to party when I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 with coffees and cinnamon buns. He and I went out to the family lounge to have a little space to play while we still can. We were not permitted to leave the ward but could at least spread out a bit in there.

DAY 2

A few years back, when I was gainfully employed as an ESL teacher at the erstwhile Aspect International language school, my colleagues and I got into a hilarious debate about germs and hygiene in the staff-room. I believe I have mentioned before that both Craig and I err on the lax side when it comes to being germ-conscious. So the items on the table in the staff-room dispute were:

• hand-washing, how often is necessary?
• drink-sharing, if so, with whom?
• soap-sharing, is it okay for a couple/family to share a bar of soap?

And the list went on. As it happens, there were several people present who were serious germophobes and were disgusted by the fact that I happily admitted to washing my hands only after bathroom visits, drinking out of the same glass as most people I know and not having any issues with using the same soap as my husband. There were those amongst us who never held onto escalator railings or subway poles and carried hand-sanitizer in their pockets. I’ve never subscribed to the belief that the world at large is coated with icky germs just lying in wait, ready to pounce. Never, that is, until now.

DAY 1

The next few months feel quite like a prison sentence. So much so, that I can’t even think about it in terms of three months, I can only think in small chunks of time that are manageable, so much more so than thinking of Gavin staying cooped up inside a hospital for these precious long months of his little life.

All the treatment that has come before pales in comparison to what we are facing now. Gavin accepts that we must go to the hospital, and he know what it has been like there before, so he went along relatively willingly this evening when we closed up the house. I crumbled as I locked the door, knowing that I’ll be back in a few days to check in, but it may be a very long time before my little man comes home again.

Most of Canada have spent the majority of the day stuffing themselves silly with turkey and pumpkin pie. We spent the day packing to return to hospital, but despite the depressing circumstances we were determined to enjoy our short Thanksgiving weekend as much as we could, and honestly be thankful for all that we have.

Three months ago, the future was very unsure, so I consider myself blessed to have been able to spend the weekend with my husband and Beanie out in the beautiful fall sunshiny weather. We pulled the bikes and the Chariot out of storage in the basement and helmeted up. Gavin was dancing with excitement and once strapped in, was shouting Yaaaay! behind me in the trailer. We headed over to one of our favourite playgrounds, the castle one in High Park, and then checked out the animals in the little zoo there.

We are having one of those beaming-sunshine fall days in Toronto, when the light comes through the changing leaves, the wind is still a little bit warm and it’s probably the last time you can wear just a T-shirt outside for the next six months. Today was the perfect day to head to the park, something which we have rarely done lately. Naturally I would love to take Bean there every day but there are days when his health necessitates that we stick close to home and avoid germy sandboxes.

We’re home! Our week-long stay at hospital turned out to be only one day, because we were able to collect enough stem-cells in one day, rather than the three we had to undergo last time. It was a long couple of days but I’m thrilled, thrilled to be home for the rest of the week.

Hoping to use this time to our advantage to get everything ready for our journey into 8B. Not up for writing tonight but thought that everyone would like to know that Gavin came through his general and femoral line insertion okay yesterday, was a total champ during apheresis today, and is now completely exhausted and asleep upstairs. Looking forward to spending the rest of the week relaxing at home - we go into hospital for the next few months on Sunday.

It has been awhile since my last update, I just find life at home to be too full of dishes, laundry, toddler-chasing and TV to attempt much blogging. It has been a very busy week for us with a family party, two hospital visits, a night out for me, and friends and family coming over to say hi, now that Gavin is in a good place.

Last weekend the non-sniffly members of my family joined us at my parents’ house in Toronto to have a little celebration of Gavin, plus a brief and informal prayer circle. I wondered how Gavin would react to being in a house full of people when he’s used to being alone with us most of the time. The answer was that he was perfectly charming and ran around enjoying himself. We took a few brief moments to meditate together on Gavin’s healing. I had not worked this part out ahead of time, so had no idea what I wanted to say. I didn’t want to crumble into a weepy ball so I kept it brief, which was probably for the best because Gavin was ready to run off and play anyway. I want to extend my deepest thanks to my family members, biological and non, for being there with us.

Unfortunately, we’re still in hospital but have finally been released from isolation after 5 days straight. Gavin’s counts haven’t recovered yet, which is worrying, but we’re all still riding high on our good news from Thursday night.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am joining some members of my family tomorrow to have a small celebration of Gavin’s life and spend a few moments together focusing on Gavin’s healing and recovery before he moves into the next intensive stage of treatment.